nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
