I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
