there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
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I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
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Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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