Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
