He disabled his match.com account in front of me
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My cat gives me a boner
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
