Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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