I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
