Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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