life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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