My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
