look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
