she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
