every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
