Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
