apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
