Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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