Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
