cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
