I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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