I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
