i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
