the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How does it feel to date your dad?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
