Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
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i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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