I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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