can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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