3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
