dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
