Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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