im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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