I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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