I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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