Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
