apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
