tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
