Pregnant stripper...not hot.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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