More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
