your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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