Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
