Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
