Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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