i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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