Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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