Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
