You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
