I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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