During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you will always have a special place in my vag
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
