Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
