We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
