What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
