I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
