My first STD was from a foam party
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
