if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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