I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Shame - the story of my life.
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