my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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