Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
