just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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