You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
