Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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