We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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