It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
