those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
