I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
