my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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