You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize