Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He better not be in your backpack
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
