just come out here and I will go home with you...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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