My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
