do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize
