any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
