she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
